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  • Ashley

Not Getting Better at the Waiting

Well, I actually have no idea how to start this post. So the last three weeks have been the longest of our lives. Up until Stormy's passing we were really good at the waiting. We didn't mind waiting for a referral because we knew every day that passed was one less day we would have with Stormy. To be honest I think we all need to slow down and enjoy every single day we get. We rush through life and forget to enjoy it. So we didn't mind the wait at all People asked us about how excited we were and how we just couldn't wait for the referral, and while that is and always was true, we secretly were okay with the waiting. We were okay with not rushing life and with just enjoying this part of our lives a little longer. But now, now it is getting harder. We are not getting better at the waiting; we are actually getting worse at it. It is so much harder to deal with and every single day feels like it stretches on and on.

So after learning of Ayame, our little girl on Friday, May 19, we were over the moon with excitement. It was especially exciting because it came after the devastating loss of our boy, Stormy. We went out that weekend and bought girl stuff finally...not gender neutral. My mom went crazy actually! We started packing on Sunday and booked the hotel. We had spoken to Kelsey on Monday morning and she said our US Embassy appointment was set for the Tuesday after Memorial Day, so we got on the phone with Adoption Airfare and had a wonderful lady there hold plane tickets for us until after school when we could book them. Then my phone rang during school, just twenty-five minutes before school let out. I recognized the number as our agency's, Faith International, so I answered it in the hallway outside of our classroom. Kelsey was on the line in tears. She told me not to book the tickets yet and that she would get back with me asap. Something was wrong and the birth mom may want her back. To make a long story short, we lost the referral that night. The birth mom did come back and took Ayame home from Baby Life. We were also informed that this has never happened before after referral. While we are thankful that Ayame gets to stay in her birth country with her birth mom, we are also so heartbroken. We thought of her as our daughter for four days. And now we are back to the waiting and praying.

Since then we have been doing some soul searching. We have to be honest and admit that we are terrified about proceeding forward, but are determined to see this through and bring home our little one. Ayame was not our Everly Sky, but we are hoping we will bring home our Everly soon! Yes, we could still bring home a son, and we would be estatic either way. So for now, the girl clothes and shoes are in a bag in the nursery hoping to be opened and put away soon.

There are eight babies due before June 26th. All of them could be US babies or none of them could be. The US part of the program has slowed down since March, but we are praying our little one will be ours soon. But this time we will be much more guarded with our hearts and with sharing pictures with all of you. We hope you understand.

We have our good days and our bad days. Some days we really miss our boy and I struggle not to spend my whole day crying, and others I smile at his memory. Some days we miss the little girl who we thought was ours, but then other days we get excited thinking she gets to be with her birth mom and our little one will come along soon, hopefully. We try to keep ourselves busy, which is proving to be harder than expected with summer now here and with more time on our hands. Thank goodness for the people we have met along the way that have offered words of encouragement. You all have no idea how much of an impact your words have had on us. Also, we thank God for our family and friends who have been so supportive. We love you all. We are also thankful for those of you who have reached out to say that we have inspired you to adopt, especially those who have said you are hoping to adopt or have started the process to adopt from Japan. It really means the world to us. That is the whole purpose for why we show you all the wonderful parts and all the hard parts of the adoption journey...we can only hope we are inspiring some of you to take a leap of faith or to just hold on to whatever it is you are struggling with in your lives.

Till next are a few pics for you all...

Some quotes that have helped us get through this last week or so...

This is a picture one of my students made says Ayame Banion in Japanese...I didn't have the heart to tell her the referral fell through...we will cherish this forever since we will always remember Ayame.

Southeastern Graduation...saying goodbye to my senior cheerleaders and spending time with a few of my favorite people...

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